When I was six years old, my parents got divorced. My father, Muslim, and my mother, Christian. When they got a divorce, I lived with my mother during the week, and 3 weekends of the month I would live with my dad.
In K-1st grade, my mom enrolled me in a Christian school. I had no problem going to that school, and living with my mom. On the weekends, I always dreaded going to my fathers house because I was scared of him. He was verbally abusive, and because he was from Beirut Lebanon, his tone of voice was very deep and speaking Arabic was even worse.
My mom took me out of Christian school at the end of 1st grade, because she started disagreeing with some of the things the school was teaching. At that time my mom didn't want me in public school either, so my mother home schooled me till I was in 3rd grade. During that period of time, my mother and grandmother were realizing that Christianity was not making sense to them, and the questions they would ask our pastor, had no answer. My mother and grandmother started going to a Messianic Church, which combined Christianity and Judaism together. When my Grandmother and Mother started asking questions there, the so called "Rabbi" said, "don't ask questions, I know Hebrew, you don't." They were like okay...whats that have to do with anything. They decided they wanted more. My Grandmother heard that we actually did have a Jewish background, and so she did a DNA test which showed we came from around Poland, and we were Ashkenazim. My Grandmother, and Mother where then looking at papers to see if we could find proof. However the girl that my Grandmother, and Mother where looking at had the name "Sara Levine ???" ...There was no last name. Knowing that we were more than likely Jewish anyway, They decided they wanted more, and kept searching for answers...
Mean time, I was going into 4th grade, I was going to public school, moving closer to a Jewish community, confused about religion, and my grandparents ended up getting divorced because of religion. Not to mention I was still having issues from my dad, and I was scared and didn't want to be with him at all. All of this at the age of 9/10 years old was a little too much... However, just like most little girls, I followed my mom in her footsteps of what she was doing.
My mother, and grandmother went through a reformed, and conservative Shul, but yet still felt something was missing. My grandmother was looking for a job still and ended up working for a modern orthodox Rabbi in a Jewish community, and ended up moving there. My mom and I still were in the same place as before, However we were soon planning to move to this Jewish community. When we did, we started going to a modern orthodox shul, and they started conversion process, and I still didn't know what I wanted. Although we believed we were already Jewish, there was no proof.
By this time, I was in 5th grade, and had switched to a different public school in the Jewish community. At first I totally was not interested in Judaism, especially with the whole Tznius idea. However, things started getting even worse with my dad, and I realized if I was Jewish, I would keep shabbos so I wouldn't have to go with my dad anymore! I finally decided that this is for sure what I want by the end of 6th grade.
My Grandmother, and Mother had a interview with the Bais Din, in Monsey, New York. I was going with them, and was going to tell them, that I want to convert too. When I told them, the first thing they asked was, why? and then what about your dad? Also, your in public school, are you willing to switch? ... My answer was clear, because from all these religions around me I feel that Judaism is the only one that makes sense, and I guess I'll just stop going to my dad. However, I was kidding anyone, getting away from my Muslim father was not going to be easy. As far as school, I said yes, I am willing to switch. From that point I was going through conversion with them, and my dad would just have to deal with it.
In 6th grade, On the first night of Pesach, my dad came to pick me up, and I sat on the couch refusing to go. I cried and yelled back when he started yelling at me. I said, "NO! I'm not going with you! Just leave me alone! STOP DAD! I'm Jewish now!" ...Eventually my dad left the house, and I ran upstairs crying, and got dressed for Pesach dinner. On Chol Hamoid Pesach, I had to call my dad. So when I did it was just a whole fight with him yelling and me yelling and crying back...Later, we found out that my dad had filed contempt. That next weekend, I had no choice. I had to go with my dad. It wasn't so much that he even wanted me.He hadn't been a real father ever. So why now? He wanted ownership. Just like any other Arab Muslim with his family. That weekend, I did shabbos at my dads house, even though I was beyond scared. It worked for Friday night. However, on shabbos morning, my dad made me go with him to one of his friends and as much as I tried not to go, he dragged me down the stairs. After that weekend, I went to court (just my mom and I), and they told me that I looked fine to them, and they couldn't do anything about it. Now My mom and I were really on our own.
In 7th grade was my first year at Torah Academy. It was a modern Orthadox school, that was co-ed, no uniform. I made friends pretty easily, (since I had also known girls from the shul that went to this school) however things with my dad still weren't calm. I was fighting still not to go to him on shabbos, so for a while I was just going on a Sunday. That "game" ended pretty quickly, and it went back to being with him every other weekend. Throughout the whole year, when that every other weekend came that I was suppose to go to him, I had a list of excuses in my head, and until the summer going in to 8th grade they were working. In the summer going into 8th grade, I was only with my dad for a week that summer than I didn't go back with him for pretty much the rest of the summer. (I do not really remember how I got away with that.)
In 8th grade, I ended up having to go to my dads house every other weekend, and I had to do shabbos at his house. It was definitely not easy, however by the middle of 8th grade, my mom ended up getting engaged to a man from New York. Therefore: we would be moving to New York. This meant 2 things. 1, that I wouldn't have to see my dad as much, Also, that I would be moving after I was finally settled with friends, and in the school that I had grown to love.
A few days after my mom got engaged, my mom and I went to my dads house to talk to him about how we would work this out. The plan that we had been davening for, was to only have to with my dad once a month, and friday when I got there I would spend shabbos in the Jewish community. B"H, The plan worked, as long as he wasn't paying child support, then he would accept, and we wouldn't have to go through court.
Still the whole leaving all my friends, surroundings, and school made me go crazy. As much as I was wanting to keep shabbos and keep kosher, being in a place that was more religious than where I was at that point made me feel like I would be moving to some place like Williamsburg. When really where I was moving was nothing like Willamsburg. To top it all off my mom was sending me to a camp a kiruv camp called "Girlzone." Not only did I not want to move but she was sending me to Girlzone!? The name made me feel like it was a little kid camp, and my Ohio friends and I were making fun of it. Even though the video made the camp look like amazing.
As my 1st summer in GirlZone came close I was not sure what to expect. I was religious, yet at the time I was still very modern. Let me tell you, that when the buses first pulled up in to the camp grounds and I saw how the staff were all dressed, my first thoughts were…oh no, this is soo not for me! However, as the first rocking week in GZ started off, I began to actually really like camp. My counselors, were starting to have a spiritual influence on me, not by pushing and directing me to follow all the Jewish rules, but by simply being living examples. After the 1st Shabbos in camp, and then the 2nd, I started really understanding the beauty of Shabbos, and stopped seeing it as a bunch of laws and orders. Shabbos, which used to be a boring day to me, was now becoming a day that I looked forward to. Within the first week of camp we were assigned our Torah mates and I was paired with Shifra. We right away hit it off and formed a wonderful relationship, with Shifra really helping me grow in my Yiddishkeit, not just when we were forced to spend time together in camp, but still now, more than a year later after camp.
When it was time for us to part from the wonderful place that I had started to call my 2nd home, I had a deeper and more concrete understanding of Judaism and I so badly wanted to grow and learn even more. Spending 4 weeks together with the amazing people in GZ left me wanting to know more. The day I came home from camp I told my mom and step-dad that I wanted to wear more Tznius skirts. Now, let me tell you, that that is definitely one instant way to a new wardrobe because…right away they took me shopping!
When you come to GZ, you’re not coming to a regular fun camp where you make a friend or two and the friendship last till camp is over. When you come to GZ and your assigned a counselor, she’s not just someone to wake you up in the morning, shepard you too activities, and put you to bed; when you get a Torah Mate she’s not just someone to fill up time with after dinner and before night activity. When you come to GZ and you have a counselor, torah mate, or you meet a staff member of any sort, these people become more like your sisters. (To be continued...)
